“If not us, who? If not now, when?”– John F. Kennedy
Having to tell yourself not to question why someone else got to live the life you want or spend time with a loved one that was robbed from you is so bloody hard!
I had a conversation with someone today about how it’s so easy to look at someone who had what you had or want and think ‘why wasn’t it you!’ Of course you wouldn’t wish pain or loss on anyone but it’s so hard to understand why it happened to you and not them.
When we left the hospital it was like all of a sudden I didn’t know who I was meant to be anymore. Was I a mummy? Could I talk about Charlie? Would people blame me? It’s like I didn’t have a place in this world anymore because the person I now was, was about to leave her baby behind and with that a massive piece of herself also. Not knowing who your’e meant to be after going through a trauma is something they don’t hand leaflets out for.
For the days, weeks, months and year after losing Charlie I always think the same thing, why us? It is something I live with everyday and paired alongside the guilt it is such a hard thing to try and push away. I think that’s why it is so important to do what feels best for you. If you don’t want to grieve don’t, if you do, then do! There aren’t time limits or boundaries on how you deal with losing someone close to you.
I think about how life would be if we hadn’t been touched by such sadness, would people have still have been around in my life. Would I be a less compassionate person? From loss comes great realisation of the world, suddenly that gust of wind that blows and wraps itself around your face and hair means so much more than a gust of wind. That star that twinkled the moment you glanced up suddenly becomes the sign you had been waiting for. I now understand that loss doesn’t have to mean the end of that persons life because they are around you in so many ways. And you know, those signs were most likely always there but suddenly you realise these things happening around you for the first time…and to us that links us to our lost babes.
Whilst I sit back and ask why us? I also think, if not us who else would it be?
If one thing since losing Charlie and going through such hard times with different things since losing him, i think it is to live in the moment. Cliche right? But it is so true. I look back sometimes and realise how many things I missed because I was on my phone. Going away with Rob and having to take a picture rather than enjoy the moment…I mean how many of us do that? I went to see Westlife with my best friend in May and I made a point of not getting my phone out to film, I took two photos and one video to show my mum and that was it. Instead I studied the stage and crowd, sang the songs and enjoyed the moment with Amy so that I could go home and tell Rob and mum what I saw from memory, just like we used to when we were younger. It’s my way to live on…to appreciate moments I once, so naively, took for granted.
Why us? I will never know, all I know is I have right now and that is more than some will ever get.